Today is my son's father's birthday. Someone I haven't spoken to in almost a year. As I watched my son play today I couldn't help but feel a tinge of sadness. Not because I hadn't spoken to him or because he'd never seen our son. But because I know what it's like to not know a biological parent and how inadequate and unwanted it made me feel as a kid. Thankfully my son will never need to feel that way because he is loved beyond measure, as I was. But, there is still a loss there. While I am WAY over him and would never want him to be involved, it still is a loss that for some reason today is very impactful. The words of the following song by Jeremy Camp really spoke to me on this:
Gripping on so tight with the security I have inside. Knowing what is right, holding onto my pride. Letting go of the things I hold so dear. Letting go of all my pain and all my fears. Letting go of the things I hold so dear, Letting go of all my pain and all my fears. I have been brought to a place where I want to give up everything. Where all I can do is seek Your face. And my brokenness I will bring holding on to the things I deem so strong. Holding on even though my faith has been built so long. Holding on to the things I deem so strong. Holding on to what I know. I'm letting go...
It might be part of the pride in me that makes me feel the way I do. My pride was damaged, and I was hurt, left, abandoned in time of need. And while I have had time to heal, there is still pain. I can only hope and pray that my son will never feel the things I felt and if he does, may he be stronger than I was.
I'M LETTING GO!