I am in the process of saying goodbye to those I have worked ed with for the past 2 months and preparing to move home. I never realized how hard it was to say goodbye because I never had real friendships that I wanted to work at to keep. In my life, all my relationships that I have invested in have been people that needed my help. Where I could give all I had to ignore what was going on in my life. Those who wanted to have a real relationship with me which involved both give and take I wasn't interested in because I wanted to be in control. I never really realized how much it hurt those around me. As I am preparing to say goodbye and write all the little notes I want to send, I find myself actually being sad to leave. As much as I made this decision for myself, having to face up to the facts that I can't be here any longer and having to explain it to people has been difficult. As I talked with my coworkers last night I used good old Dr. Seuss to help me illustrate my pride and fear. They took it gracefully and I have never been so thankful for grace in my entire life.
As I think about relationships and my tendancies and the type of people I gravitate towards, it really strikes me as rather amusing. All of my life I complained about being the one people came to for help, when really, underneath everything, I thrived on it. I needed to be needed... otherwise I would become overwhelmed with my own junk. Even now as I have decided to go home and deal with the things I need to, the temptation still faces me. My friends call saying their getting divorces, others call because they want to kill themselves, others because they have nothing better to do. Yet, in all this, I have been able to see right through and not allow myself to be distracted by their hurts and pains. Now mind you this doesn't mean that I don't care, or that I don't want to help, but I am not prepared to allow their hurts to consume my life any longer.
As children my brother and I used to sit and compare stories. Who had the juciest " I need help story" Then we would sit and contemplate the fates of our friends which were in our hands. Even now, we are able to have these conversations and laugh at them. But, now, in the relationships I've made in the last 2 months, I would never want to "have their fates in my hands." They are too important to me.
As I"m making a list of my friends and what they mean to me, I can't even begin to describe to you what they mean to me. So think about your friends tonight, why are they important? how important are they? What to you is a true friend?"